The Star

From where I stand today, 2010 is just over the horizon. I am now twenty years old ! I can hardly believe it. What happened to my childhood ? And on what new frontier do I now stand ? What awaits me on the far side of the horizon ? And importantly, what road do I take from henceforth ? Should I take the overused road across the clear plain or the lonely path that treads into the deep, dense jungle in the hope that it will lead me to the lost paradise of my dreams.

My choice has always been the jungle path, and I have fought hard to cut through the vines and thorns in my path, however, I cannot help thinking from time to time that I need a new set of slashing knives to get through this increasingly thick undergrowth, that my weariness is growing and I need a glimpse of my paradise to gain the energy I need to keep to my path.

Towards the end of 2009 I was reminded of the Star that shines above my head through all the canopy of the forest. The Star sits in an elevated position, it can see everything , it knows where I'm going. It is the only companion I have on this journey. The Star is not just visible to me, everyone who looks up at the night sky can see it. Unfortunately, this Star is often forgotten during the day. The day is bright and we believe that we can navigate without the guidance of the Star. How mistaken we are, how mistaken I am. How do I keep forgetting my companion ? Why do I keep blaming my companion when I get lost on my own ? The only hope I have of finding my paradise is to keep my eye on the star and trust it to shine brightly through that thick and dense canopy.

What matters ?

I shall start my blog today by asking you ( assuming that my blog has some readers !) , what are the things that matter in your life ? Have a think ... my guess is that your answer will include things like ; family, money, health - all things that can be measured and counted in the world of our eyes, but your answer may also include entities that cannot be weighed in the normal sense for example : success in work, happiness, love, etc. Of course these answers are still very broad in their scope and you could proceed to further dissect 'success in work' for example into smaller sub entities that are better defined, like success in your studies or in your project, and to define success the world may assign grades to your homework assignment or exam or perhaps pay you in the case of a job. Indeed as you dissect all these things that matter in your life, you may begin to realize that ultimately it is the world that defines your level of fulfillment in these matters, whether it be by assigning grades , payment of money or through institutions like marriage to measure your love ! You are a slave to the rules of society. Isn't it absurd that all these things that matter to YOU are defined by someone else ?! All your ambitions and dreams are based around a framework created by the world. We are all like sheep simply following the mass movement of the flock without asking whether the flock itself knows where it is going or why it is going anywhere at all. From all that I have said, it may sound like I am very critical of this 'world defined success', but I assure you this is not the case. I think it is a natural for every species to develop these rules of society and have members measure themselves against them and become attuned to them. However, I have come to realize that most of us go on living our lives blind. Blind because the truth of our life and existence is covered in thick layers of rules, grades, money, and emotions. What is 'good' and 'evil' ? 'Good' and 'evil' are surely nothing more than manufactured products of the world society machine. The Universe knows no 'good' or 'evil' they are simply products of the societal psyche or products of behavioral evolution. What is 'power' ? So many of us strive for 'power', 'fame', 'status'. All these are just goals of an enslaved mind, they are ephemeral concepts that exist only in the minds of humans. So what is real ? Quite simply, only science is real. But who am I to define reality ? And how can we define reality ?! For me, reality are all things independent of the human societal framework, properties described by the time and space invariant laws of Physics. Interestingly my definition banks on essentially holding the laws of Physics constant over the scope of the known dimensions. Dimensions therefore, become key in defining reality, and in this case if one were to ask what exists beyond the Universe of my dimensions, I would have to answer that the question is meaningless for me because it is beyond the limits of 'reality' !

Pune Times

It has been 3 months ! 3 months since my University closed for summer, 3 months since my crazy punting night on the river, 3 months since I arrived in the smoky, dusty city of Pune, 3 months since the first swine flu scares in Pune, 3 months since the beginning of my dismal internship experience, it has been 3 months !
So after 3 months I find myself still in Pune, at my grand parents house. I have run away from all the chaos, shouting, nagging, taunting, blaming and endless jobs at my aunt's house. Perhaps I have over exagerated the conditions at the house down below, but sometimes exagerration helps to put the point accross. I have found it very difficult to find any discipline in my life for the last 3 months, and this has resulted in a downturn in both my physical and mental enthusiasm. The internships didnt do anything for my enthusiasm either ! Those 2 months of industrial training or internship were a real grind, and left me feeling ... well ... hopeless.
Oh darn ! Look at me, I've written such a miserable introduction ! Let me now turn to the positive. The holiday in Rajastan was good ! 10 days away from Pune, a much needed diversion. But again, this trip to Udaipur, Jodhpur, Jaipur, Agra and Delhi , was more of a trip for my mind than one for my body. What do I mean by that ?! What I mean is, although we did a lot of walking and sweating, much of the enjoyment from this trip came to me from my own imagination of events and the past. As we walked through the old palaces and heard the great stories of Emperors, battles and their lifestyle, I could not help recreating the past in my mind. I dreamt of the great battle between the Mehar and the Mughals, the life of the Mehars as they moved from palace to palace at each turn of the season, the great meetings they must have had, their ambitions, their thoughts and dreams that culminated in the creation of the Taj Mahal, and some of the other great structures we saw. I spent 10 days in the past, and I didnt even need H G Wells or his Time machine ! So you see, it was a journey of the mind like so many of the journeys I have gone on in my life. I am a frequent flyer when we talk of mental destinations.

Fragments of Infinity

I can feel it now, I can taste its fresh and unique flavour. This is no exotic dish of food, no this experience is richer than that. In a being bound, restricted by his own physical transcription, this is unique because it knows no bounds, no limits, it is free to wander into infinity. This is a thing of legend, it is the fragment of God that every human being is blessed with. It is a creative thought, a fragment of Infinity.

From the time of the evolution of the first ape to our present specification as homo sapiens, our minds have searched for these 'fragments'. The fragments taught us to create tools out of the raw products of nature, we then used our tools in manners revealed to us by these fragments to conquer our environment, and now we are dependent on the products of these fragments, we live by their rules, we need them. But you already know this right ? This is an old story told many times and I will not bore you by retelling an old story. Instead I'm after something else. What I'm after is the answer to a deeper question, one that banks on the definition of a human being. I want to know what drives our quest to find these fragments ? Why are we creative ?Why did we shape nature into those tools ? Why do people write poems ? Why does Hollywood create movies ? Why do you love to watch them ? Why do scientists sit in labs around the world looking for new ways to manipulate matter and the rest of the world around us ? Why am I writing this blog ? You may think all these questions have different answers, but I challenge you to think further, because I believe that all these questions share a common answer hidden at the root, and in that root lies a single word that describes humanity better than any other ; uncontent. We are uncontent beings, unlike any other animal on this planet we have somehow developed a critical eye. We see imperfection around us, and we strive for create eutopia. So you see imperfection is necessary for creativity. If everything was perfect we would not need creativity, we would not need imagination, we would not need to change anything.

Now such insight draws me to ask an intriguing question ; God is often refered to as the Lord and the Creator. What drove God to create the world ? Could it be that there is a hint of imperfection hidden within the perfect being ? Or perhaps there is no such thing as perfection, because there is something imperfect about the perfect. If God was unsatisfied with the present imperfect state of the world, why would he let it persist if a perfect world existed ? The problem with perfection is it is bland ... and even God likes the taste of something fresh and exotic every now and again.

A mind bleached of thought

Stage 1: "Hooray ! Exams are over !!! The Summer vacation is finally here ! It's party time !!!"

about a week later ...

Stage 2: " Wow, where did that week go ?! Anyway, I'm going back home !!!"

about 1 week later ...

Stage 3: " What ?! It's 3 in the afternoon ! But I just woke up ?! "

yet another week later...

Stage 4: " Where did my life go ??? Someone please take me back before I develop teenage dimentia, or my muscles wither due to inactivity".

I think it's safe to say that this is an anecdote that many of us can relate to. It represents the typical emotional stages that an average ( or even not so average) college or school student goes through during the first 2 - 4 weeks of the summer vacation. So alas, I find myself at Stage 4, my mind is bleached of all thought, the elaborate plan I had for my summer vacation has fallen in a battle with laziness, and I am desperately waiting for something to spice up my life ; that in the last two weeks has become a bland and barren place.

Now parents always have an abundance of ideas, one must admire the activity of their right cerebral hemispheres. They are full of advice and plans. " Go to the gym" they tell me, " Learn to drive, go to the bookstore, finish all your homework , learn to ..." , all these ideas are brilliant, and I would surely do them, if I were a hardwired robot running on nuclear fuel with an infinite supply of red bull. What I'm saying is, it would take something out of terminator to fullfill all my parents wishes. Nevertheless, I do sometimes try to follow my parent's advice. I joined a gym ! Unfortunately, I got a flu the next day and I havent been able to go the gym after that. You see, parents are always right, and you better believe it, but they dont always understand that their son/daughter is a human being. Humans have limitations, both physical and mental, they are funny creatures that need more than just commands to function properly ... for futher details , please study psychology. ( Parents are great, please don't take any offense)

I think we are now at the point of this discussion where we discuss a cure for a bleached mind, sources of spice, something to gently lure us out of stage 4. Well I never said I would have all the answers ! If I did, I would have been out of stage 4 a long time ago. I do however, have an idea. As I mentioned before, we are humans, we cannot deliver on a list of commands before we are convinced that in doing so, our mental state would have improved in some precise way. Humans need reason, and they also need progressive improvement in order to sustain their command fullfilling energy. So today I have written this blog, I have done something productive, my hope is that this may drive me into doing something productive tommorrow, and eventually, I hope that there will be an increase in my productivity. I dont know if this is going to work, but when you're stuck at Stage 4, you gotta try something right ?

Superman

" Superman " ... if someone asked me to describe the ultimate goal of my life in one word, this would be the one.

" Superman ",  just saying the word sends  waves of excitement through my nervous system. I have spent so many nights and indeed even days dreaming about a world in which I would be unique, powerful and responsible, a God living amongst ordinary men. No doubt, I am not the only one with such dreams. The character of Superman has captured the imaginations of so many people across the globe. Everyone, wants to be unique, have power, and live a life full of adventure, fighting bad guys and traveling across the Universe in search of a greater destiny. 

" In search of a greater destiny " - that's really what it all about. As each of us go about living our ordinary lives, we can't help thinking from time to time about the ultimate fate of the Universe, and where our lives fit into the larger scheme of things. It is when we follow this train of thought, that we can end up with the most painful of realizations ... that our lives are meaningless. To the Universe, my life and your life is insignificant. We are like mere grains in the sands of time that are washed away on the next tide. Our mortality prevents us from having any lasting effects, and our similarities as humans prevent us from standing out. So you see, normalcy is really a limit on our destinies. Being normal is not only over-rated but in some senses, it is like a hammer, nailing the wings of our destinies, so we may never take to the sky. 

I am an ordinary human being, I have no special talents or gifts. I am neither extremely intelligent, nor am I any good in terms of physique. Does this mean that my destiny is limited ? That I can never achieve greatness ? That my life is insignificant ??? I cannot answer these questions, because I am scared that the answers may prove too painful for me to bear, and because regardless of the answers given to me, I will still continue to look up at the sky from my grounded position, I will still struggle to try and break free of these chains of normalcy that hold me back. The struggle is frustrating, I cannot bear the mediocre nature of my life. I need to be exceptional, I feed on success, and right now I'm starving.

Motivation

Motivation is arguably the greatest gift that a human being can have. It gives our lives purpose, direction, it is the driving force behind virtues such as will power, perseverance and hard work and in short, it makes life worth living.
So you can see that motivation is a vital ingredient in the recipe for a healthy and happy life. But unfortunately it is an ingredient that has been missing in my life for quite a while now. Having said that motivation is missing in my life, the natural question to ask next is " how do I get my motivation back ? ". I start my quest for a solution by thinking about my past. There was a period of 3 -4 years starting from when I first got into secondary school, when I was at my motivated best ! What is it about that period that kept me so motivated ? And can I apply the same formula again ? The answer to this first question is not easy to pin point. I think it was the excitement of entering secondary school that drove me to work hard initially. Then I got lucky because my hard work payed off quickly and I tasted success for the first time, and from then on it was a kind of positive feedback that increased my motivation, one success led to another and my motivation kept increasing each time. For the first time in my life, I believed that I was capable of attaining success, then came my interest in Physics and that drove my motivation even higher. Come my second secondary school, same story, initial success and positive feedback. My motivation was at its peak ! So what happened ? Everything was going so well, why do I find myself unmotivated now ?
Now comes the last year of secondary school. Everyone expects a lot from me. There they say as they point at me, is a truly motivated individual. For the first time in my life, I experienced 'performance pressure'. Suddenly my work was no longer about me, but about pleasing others, about meeting their expectations. That year saw my first decline in motivation, a slow steady decline at first, hardly noticeable. At the same time, my interest in Physics suffered its first decline since its birth. Suddenly, I didnt do so well on some tests, my smooth pattern of sucess saw some rough patches. Still was unaware of any major problems. Then came the final exam, a disaster ! I have never been so stressed in my life as I was then. 'Panic attacks' during exams, forgetfulness, loss of confidence, everything ran amok ! Luckily, my results were fine ( largely buffed up by the results of the previous year) , and I got into the Univeristy of my choice.
"Phew !" I thought, "no damage done". But I was wrong, damage had been done. My confidence was damaged and remains damaged to this day. Last term I had some college exams, and they were a disaster, I havent had any initial sucess over here at University.
But over the last 6 months at University, a lot of other factors have developed. I now feel that my life is too 'scewed'. What I mean is, my study has become the one and only element of my life. It controls me, my mood depends on how well it is going. I need something else, I need an 'escape', another activity that I can fall back on. May be then I can reduce this performance pressure I feel, and I work best when my mind is at ease. Last term I tried to enquire about other classes I could go to, may be some other Physics classes, so that my Engineering work would not be my only measure of sucess in life. However, I was dissapointed to fnd out that there was nothing. I have often talked about forming a science group consisting of individuals genuinly interested in science and who are willing to think and really understand the world. I thought may be such a group activity may help me not only expose my ideas but also give my life some variety and decentralise it from its focus on my engineering study. However, so far I havent managed to get any such group going. I am not a great leader or organiser, taking initaitve to start such things is not my greatest talent. Mind you, I have often dreamt about being a great leader, but like so many things I have dreamt about, it hasn't quite got going as yet. So one thing seems certain, I need to find myself a rewarding pass-time or activity, so that I may stop gauging my life only in terms of my study ( that hasnt been going so well off late). In fact I believe that if I do find another 'thing' that is of importance in my life, it may even help ease my tension and help my study.
Another fairly new factor, again revolving around easing tension is this whole issue of friends. Friends help ease tension and make you feel like youre not alone and there are people to help. In that department I have made some progress, I have made some good friends. However, they always seem to be busy ! I'd be a hypocrite to blame them though ! I'm the one whose hardly ever available, always some excuses on my mind ; work, work and oh and more work ! I really am not the most interesting of individuals. I'm a bit of a social phobe, but at the same time, I love meeting new people. A very strange combination, I think I'm just shy. Now I'm not sure how meeting new peope adds to my motivation. It is in all honesty, unexplored territory, I don't often meet new people or experience new things, a pity, because I am intensely curious and enjoy new things very much.
So you may have figured by now, that I am trying to be a bit more calm these days. I'm trying to explore ither arenas in my life, I am searching for an 'escape' , may be because I am exhausted, tired of trying harder and harder, may be I am scared, scared that another failure is coming my way and I'm trying to reduce its impact, or may be this is just what I need, something new to refresh my mind and spirit and get that motivation going again.

My Favorite quotes

" Every passing day only makes me younger, it only increases my wonder and awe, I live everyday as if it were my first ! " - Siddharth Ambegaonkar AKA Vanderwallis

" Impossible is nothing ! " - Adidas

" They can be a great people, Kal-El, they wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way. For this reason above all, their capacity for good, I have sent them you ... my only son." - Jor-El

" Imagination is more important than knowledge" - Albert Einstein

"I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious." - Albert Einstein

" My candle burns on both ends, it may not last the night. But oh my friends, ad oh my foes, it gives a lovely light ! " - Roald Dahl

" There are two types of genius. Ordinary geniuses do great things, but they leave you room to believe that you could do the same if only you worked hard enough. Then there are magicians, and you can have no idea how they do it. Feynman was a magician." - Hans Bethe

" I am like an iceberg, what you see on the surface is only 10% of me, the other 90% lies hidden below the surface, emerging spontaneously when you least expect it !" - Siddharth Ambegaonkar AKA Vanderwallis

The scenery from the window

The time is 5.58 p.m , on the dark wintry evening of  Saturday the 31st of January 2009. " Wow ", I say to myself, "the end of January 2009 is upon us ! " . For some reason writing the date out like this always makes me think about my life. I have now lived 19 years. Where have these 19 years taken me ? "This question is easy to answer" I say to myself as I draw the curtains of my attic room. Through the icy double glazed windows, the first thing I see is an old building and a similar double glazed window about 10 metres away, through this window is another attic, but this room is different from my own. There is a blackboard and on occasion I can see students seated on the wooden chairs inside. However, there is more to the view through my window than just another attic room. As I look to the far distance I can see a cross on top of a very old church and behind this symbolic pier are the stars, the Universe. This image is always very comforting to me. I am not a christian, but it always makes me feel like I am not alone, that through my window I can see a gate and behind this gate is the rest of the Universe. Sometimes I stare at this gate and I talk to the Universe beyond the gate, I share a special relation with the Universe, I feel that only it can understand me fully. I have lived 19 years, my first memory as a child is of my home in India. I remember sitting with a bowl of white mush in front of me. My mom had gone to the kitchen to fetch something, and so I was alone, or was I ? I remember hearing some crows outside, and I imagined the scene outside with the crows perched on the coconut tree outside our flat, and then I realized something. I was not alone, I am never alone, those crows told me something that day. They made me realize that there was a world beyond the confines of my own mind. That I was a part of this awesome Universe. So although in 19 years I have come from my humble flat in India to a hostel room at the University of Cambridge, there is one thing that has and will remain constant. The Universe is still with me, it's almost like a conscious entity that guides me through my life. I believe it is from this unique relationship I have with the Universe that my life's passion has been born ; Physics. 

As I look through my window again, and at this symbolic gate, I cant help but imagine what lies beyond this gate. What wonderful entities lie beyond the boundaries of our planet, and this is where Physics comes in. Physics allows me to take that journey beyond the gate and towards the rest of the Universe, and ultimately it takes me closer to my friend and my guide.