The 3rd year and my social discovery

One more busy week to go, two more reports and 3 more days of lectures ; this is the position that I find myself in at his moment. My life goes on, in its typical silent manner. But I believe, that I'm changing. When I came to University 2 years ago, I was scared, intimidated by the institution and people around me. I believed that the magical hand of destiny would clear my way and pull me into the extraordinary. I believed that I was meant for great things and that all I needed to do was simply wait for "my moment".

So I waited, I grew frustrated and annoyed because things didn't go my way. I didn't understand why this was happening - this was supposed to be "my time" , the time when "my destiny" would lead me to great success, why then was I being met with failures instead ? Frustration turned into anger, which turned into disappointment and a feeling of helplessness. For a long time, I remained in this state. This disappointment reached a climax at the end of last summer, and a radically new idea, a new philosophy emerged from the ashes of previous delusions.
I have been freed from all delusions of responsibility and from this irrational belief that "I was born to be great". Destiny has nothing planned for me. It is time I stop waiting for something to happen; nothing will. I am the master of my own fate. Waiting for something to happen has been the biggest mistake of my life , I have let so many opportunities pass because I was not willing to take command. Something has to change, I cannot let this mistake continue. I know what needs to be done.

Moving onto other personal discoveries ; I have discovered the reason for my silence in most social situations. In a sense this is not the most profound of discoveries, and arguably I have known this for quite a while. The truth is, that I am only really interested in talking about Science, and Science trivia doesn't cut it either, it has to be of a technical nature and something I can understand and discuss. I guess thats why I have had a great time at my semiconductor engineering supervisions ( meetings with professors or PhD students when a group of two students discuss our conceptual and question paper related problems). Unfortunately there are some people who tend to get frustrated if you ask too many questions or the questions are too trivial or something "we should know" - a real kill joy, I don't feel comfortable with such people - which is why not all supervisions are great.
Actually there are exceptions to this "Science talk" rule, but they are few. This really is a terribly geeky trait, and one that explains why I'm totally useless at making casual conversation and why I am and will continue to be useless when it comes to "picking up" girls ! :p But off-course the consequences are much more far reaching than this ; my silence tends to alienate me from the rest of any group of people I happen to be with. Eventually, a point comes when I feel like I am not a significant member of the group and perhaps my presence is not needed or even not wanted. It is a bit unfortunate that I have never had the opportunity to be myself around people for a sustained period of time. But I can hardly blame anyone, my "social self" is so strange that even I haven't figured out how to express it properly. I guess there are aspects of me that still need to be discovered.
What I like about my blog, is that it is the one place where I can be myself. Ironically, if I were to be myself in a social situation I might actually talk about my "science talk" trait ! This is actually not strictly science, and would fall into the category of one of the exceptions ! What a load of irony ... I love it !

A busy time

I don't usually write blog posts at a time like this. Tomorrow I've got a long lab session, a Signals lecture, a deadline for work I need to do and hand in, and a Supervision in the evening pertaining to that work. To sum it, I have one heck of a busy day ahead of me, and yet here I am, typing away on my keyboard to create a piece of writing that has no real world value. Why am I doing this ? Well there is a simple "down to Earth" way of saying it ; I'm tired of my work, bored even, in need of some downtime so I can refuel my energy and enthusiasm. There is also the more poetic way of saying it, which is rather more concise ; that I need to escape from the "real" world for a while. Either way, the problem seems to be the "real world" ; the world that forces me to write long, boring lab reports on subjects that I have not yet learnt about, the world that seems to think that anyone with a PhD can teach, the world that believes that simply delivering loads of information will result in better learning, a world that needs to rethink some of its age old strategies, and one that definitely needs reforming.
(sigh) If only I could change the World.

I am not happy with the way the "real" world works. I know there is no perfect way to do something, but I do believe that there are better ways out there. You might have realized that the world closest to me at the moment is the world of university and engineering, and yes, I am not satisfied with the way certain things are done. In my case, I think too much is rushed ; I wouldn't mind having longer terms, longer lectures and labs, if it meant that we could slow down and really understand the subjects in depth, because that is where the joy of learning is. But that is just University, what about the rest of the world ? What needs rethinking, reforming ? Well, a lot does. Some of those things are tangible, others are not. Those things that are not tangible, involve our attitude towards our lives and those are arguably the most important things that need changing, because changing that would have a cascade effect on the more tangible stuff. Money is an obvious suspect, actually not money itself, but our attitude towards it in relation to other things in our lives. How many of you actually believe that having a noble purpose in life is more important than money ? And I mean really believe it, and live by it. My guess is not many, because if we did, the world would be a different place. I dare say, a much more efficient place. So you say; thats absurd ! this dude is obviously living in a dreamworld Utopia, people just aren't that good ! You might be right there, but don't let the idea of Utopia put you off, don't push it aside because it isn't practical. The task of every generation is to iterate towards it, we will get there if we keep it in sight.
So I have talked about what the world should be like. Am I hypocrite ? Probably. But I too am trying to iterate towards something better. Believing in myself in the face of all these difficulties, and failures is not easy. My life is tough, it really is. The world doesn't hand me presents, just beatings, and more beatings to follow those up. My confidence and self belief has been lashed at so many times, and yet I'm trying to be strong. I'm taking it all and still trying to move forward. Why ? Because somewhere in the depths of my mind, I still believe in that noble purpose, that Utopia that people laugh at, and I hope my iterations will land me close some day.

The Deception of Uniqueness

It's hard to write strong, passionate, moralistic blog posts on a regular basis. The reason for that is such moments of "enlightenment" of "fresh thought" don't exactly come once every fortnight or regularly in any time interval. Most of the time, life just simply carries on in its characteristic silent, casual way. If you ever take a look at some vlogs ( video blogs) this point will make itself clear. So with that said, I will now say that today was another casual, lazy day in the summer holiday of 2010. I spent the afternoon watching some vlogs on youtube, vlogs like talking to strangers on the net; give one a sneak peak into the lives of others. I'm not sure why I've become involved in such activities over the last year or two. It's just that .. and this may sound strange ... I'm fascinated by the fact that others live such intricate lives as well. Sometimes we get so stuck in ourselves that we fail to truly acknowledge the complexity of other peoples lives and minds, sometimes other people feel so "distant" from ourselves because we are locked into experiencing only our thoughts, our minds. But others have dreams too, they too look at the world and analyze it, judge it, they have secrets, and perhaps they too have a sense of uniqueness ; that they are different somehow. It is this fact that makes it so difficult to truly step out of the ordinary. Feelings of being "special", "extraordinary" are illusions of the mind, and not just my mind, but everyones, it is a kind of deception brought about by the local nature of our mental faculties. It is this deception that keeps us from being united, from working together for goals greater than ourselves. After all if we believe that we are the "special" ones, our focus will naturally turn to acts for the betterment of our individual being rather than the rest.

Thats where God has been so vital to our civilization ; the belief that there is a being who is truly greater, more "special", more complex than ourselves, that our acts should serve a greater purpose than our own individual profit, our acts should serve God and God is served by helping others. God has prevented mankind from anarchy. But still there is division on our planet a "coldness". I believe that Science provides a cure to our division. What we build through the use of Science and technology become our Legacy, mankind's Legacy, and "Legacy" too is a uniting idea ; a belief that we are working to produce something that will leave its mark for all to see, that a part of our complexity will become a concrete part of the physical world rather than just a phenomenon in our minds. It is for this reason that I have for a long time wanted to form a group of passionate individuals. It is time we build our Legacy.

Life's silent passing

Today is the day of Pritpal's surprise 21st birthday party. Looking back at life is like flicking through an album. The album of my life has acquired yet another entry today. As I look at back my album today, it seems like I have gone a long way since that first entry years ago in front of my bowl of cerelac. Life is passing silently by, like a shadow that wishes to go by unnoticed. I wonder when I will step out of the darkness of the shadow and into the light so the whole world can see what I have envisioned.

In recent days that sense of purpose in me has been sending its flares through my mind more than ever before. I have to come to realize that soon I will have to make that crucial departure from the philosophy that rules the lives of most. Shards of my new philosophy are beginning to emerge before me. A philosophy that is attune to an inner voice of purpose that I hear in me. But not everything is in sync with that voice; I just had the worst exam session ever - and I just don't understand what to do. Sometimes I feel like everything is falling apart just when it should all be coming together. If I am to help make the world a better place it needs to give me the chance, or perhaps I need to stop believing that the Universe is conspiring !

Anyways, in other news; I am now officially short sighted ! And I mean the less metaphorical type. I get my glasses the coming Tuesday. This too is a significant event that will soon be part of my album. I secretly hope that the glasses will boost not only my vision but my IQ as well ! ( and I am aware of the irony ) I hope you've also noticed that my blog has a new funked up look courtesy of Blogger themes and Photoshop CS3. I must also mention the chatting I've been doing of late with strangers; I've met a few others who blog like me, and have some great blogs and great events in their albums.

A Nostalgic afternoon

The present is commonly thought of as a continuously flowing stream of sensation. Yet life is far from continuous, life is made up of brief moments of "meaning" amidst a vast ocean of mundane activities. On nostalgic afternoons such as this one, I search my mind for these clips of "meaning" and I am able to experience those sensations again.

But what is meaningful ? This is off course different for all of us, and often it is not what we would conventionally think of as being significant. For example, I'd been thinking about what to watch on Youtube today, and I suddenly remembered an old serial I used to see on TV after dinner. I decided to search for it and found some videos of old episodes. Watching those videos, I was able to instantly re-live the thoughts and feelings that went through my mind many years ago. It is strange that a fictional story meant so much to me, it's almost like I lived their life in my own.

Fiction has always been a central part of my life. Living another character's life is perhaps what fiction is all about. Isn't it amazing that we can sit on our couches at home and gain a whole lifetime of experiences and sensations from a light emitting box or from some pages of written word. So when, I look back at my life on nostalgic afternoons such as today, I can see not just my life, but several lives. Lives full of adventure, drama, romance all the ingredients of "meaning".

It is from such definitions of "meaning" that I sometimes consider reality and what many think of as being significant and meaningful in the "real" world ; exams, grades, money. It seems obvious now, that there is a difference between what is necessary and what is meaningful. Money and grades are necessary, they are not meaningful. But does everyone understand that ? Does everyone appreciate that ? Or are we in a world where meaning and necessity have been mixed up ? Perhaps some would argue that money imparts meaning !

Another day of questioning

I am just about to go to bed. It's the end of another tough day in my life, another day of doubting my capabilities and my potential for success. My failures always hit me hard, like cannons striking the castle of my dreams. It's on days like these that it is tempting to put the blame on God, days when you think of questioning him and asking him why it has to be this way. But if there's one thing I've learnt, it is to never look away from my own short-comings ; "don't blame God for your own shortcomings" is what I tell myself. There is no such ideation as a fair world, there is only statistics and even God knows that it is only right to throw a die. Our abilities are distributed by the science of genetics not by our wishes or deeds.

This is a truth that is hard to live by, it is brutal, so hardhearted. I unfortunately find myself on the tough side of statistics, and so I'm forced to deal with all the pain, frustration and disappointment that comes with being less "able". Today and for the last few days I have felt this disappointment more than I ever have, I have been bitterly reminded of my place in the normal distribution. I have never felt so useless in my life. Suddenly everything I have hoped and dreamed for seems very distant, like the stars of the night sky that can be seen and admired but are so out of reach. At this point, I am desperately searching for a solution, hoping for some magic that will turn the situation around, but the core problem is innate and I am afraid that I will never be able to change that.

So on the subject of solutions. With no clear solution apparent, what am I to do ? Sometimes, I try to run away, I tell myself that it doesn't matter, that nothing matters, that life is not all about my work, studies, IQ , but who am I kidding ? Even though this sometimes helps me to cheer up for a while, I cant hide from this forever, and in the place that I am , I'm constantly forced to confront it. So what else do I tell myself ? May be that the problem really isn't as big as I imagine it to be, I've got this far right ? But this is hardly consoling, it only suggests that I have gone as far as I can go and I should stop hoping for more ; it spells defeat.

I wonder if I will ever find a solution, of I will ever find that magic spell that will banish all my problems and finally bring me satisfaction. You may think that to hope for a magical solution is naive or even delusional, but at the moment it is all I can hope for.