I am just about to go to bed. It's the end of another tough day in my life, another day of doubting my capabilities and my potential for success. My failures always hit me hard, like cannons striking the castle of my dreams. It's on days like these that it is tempting to put the blame on God, days when you think of questioning him and asking him why it has to be this way. But if there's one thing I've learnt, it is to never look away from my own short-comings ; "don't blame God for your own shortcomings" is what I tell myself. There is no such ideation as a fair world, there is only statistics and even God knows that it is only right to throw a die. Our abilities are distributed by the science of genetics not by our wishes or deeds.
This is a truth that is hard to live by, it is brutal, so hardhearted. I unfortunately find myself on the tough side of statistics, and so I'm forced to deal with all the pain, frustration and disappointment that comes with being less "able". Today and for the last few days I have felt this disappointment more than I ever have, I have been bitterly reminded of my place in the normal distribution. I have never felt so useless in my life. Suddenly everything I have hoped and dreamed for seems very distant, like the stars of the night sky that can be seen and admired but are so out of reach. At this point, I am desperately searching for a solution, hoping for some magic that will turn the situation around, but the core problem is innate and I am afraid that I will never be able to change that.
So on the subject of solutions. With no clear solution apparent, what am I to do ? Sometimes, I try to run away, I tell myself that it doesn't matter, that nothing matters, that life is not all about my work, studies, IQ , but who am I kidding ? Even though this sometimes helps me to cheer up for a while, I cant hide from this forever, and in the place that I am , I'm constantly forced to confront it. So what else do I tell myself ? May be that the problem really isn't as big as I imagine it to be, I've got this far right ? But this is hardly consoling, it only suggests that I have gone as far as I can go and I should stop hoping for more ; it spells defeat.
I wonder if I will ever find a solution, of I will ever find that magic spell that will banish all my problems and finally bring me satisfaction. You may think that to hope for a magical solution is naive or even delusional, but at the moment it is all I can hope for.
