The close of 2011

So here we are, the end of 2011 is near ! 2011 has been a year of great disappointments, radical new thoughts and philosophies, and reconciliation. Sometimes I feel like I've started a new life this year post summer; when I was trying to come to terms with my exam result. I am not the same person I was at the start of this year or indeed any year previously. The exam result was definitely the key moment of this year and perhaps even my life. I have come to the realization that I will never be at peace until I give up my ego - my need to control, my yearning for power. My dreams of power dominated my thinking and aims in life up until that point, and so the transition away from that kind of thought has been challenging but also a relief, like some great burden has been lifted.


What is the world like in the absence of ego ? Perhaps before answering such a question it would be helpful to the reader if I described what the ego is, and actually I'll save myself the effort since Wikipedia puts it quite nicely: "Ego (spirituality), the "self", "self-concept", "false self", "conceptual identity", or identification with individual existence" . An individual's ego will drive him towards self attainment and it is very conscious of the outside world - what other people think. It is for this reason that when people talk about ridding oneself of the ego, they also talk about cutting one's attachment to material world. If a person has no attachment to the outside world, then he has nothing to prove or show to the world and hence such things as status and power are unnecessary. It is interesting that a lot of the burdens and worries we have in our lives are in our minds, and a simple change in the way we think can rid us of those problems. - Not so easy to change ones thinking though. A world without ego is unified, in which all people recognize that they are all part of the same "whole". 


In my talk of the ego thus far I have taken what might be considered a "practical" approach in the sense that I have spoken of giving up the ego like it's some formula a person can apply for a better life. However, what drives a person to the point where the ego is no longer important is more than a practical self help trick. For me to be able to give up my ego, it is important to have faith in God. There is a big difference in believing and having faith; when you have faith in something, you trust it. If there is anything holding me back now, it is my faith. I have always thought of God as my friend, my guide, as one who is so close to me that he lives within me as he lives within all things - he is that "whole". But I have never witnessed an independently conscious God and whether there is a certain consciousness to the whole world is a question that I feel is important and unanswered. 


I now find myself at a point in my life when I would like to discover and rediscover some of the "simple joys" of life. This might be meeting new people, having new experiences, and even just rediscovering my passion for science - now without the burden of my ego. I want to be free, but not alone. I have spent a large proportion of my life in solitude, but I think this is a time to mix, get involved in activities, and be enterprising. I still have another 6 months to spend at University, perhaps this should be a time to practice some good working habits, I am looking forward to a new beginning at my first job. I can't help but feel like I haven't been living as "largely" as I can, what I mean is that I need to be more energetic and put in a greater effort into every aspect of my life whether it be in my work or my social self, I also need to be braver in pursuing new opportunities. Perhaps there are aspects of myself that I haven't yet shared with the rest of the world and it is time that I start sharing. I am turning into quite an intriguing individual if I may say so myself; some kind of cross between a monk or philosopher trying to give up his ego, an ordinary young man who wants to "live it up", an entrepreneur always seeking new opportunities for enterprise, and a scientist who just loves his physics and math and the wonderful patterns in nature; this is who I am - Siddharth. 

Goa and cousins

I have just returned from a memorable trip to Goa. It has been so nice to reconnect with all my cousins after so many years. We're all young adults now, all forging our own paths through the dense fog that is life. Meeting them again brought back many nostalgic memories. It's funny, we don't really know each other very well, yet we have met each other for short periods throughout our lives and there is this sense that we are in it together (or at least that is my sense of things). There is a feeling of kinship among siblings and cousins that supersedes other relations because we have grown up together, we have seen each other change, evolve, and grow in to the people that we are today. Even so, we are all so different now, we have our own lives and sometimes I am overcome by a great sadness; sad that I haven't spent more time with them, that we are on such diverging paths. It is a loneliness that perhaps we all feel at some point - the need to share our life with others. All the power and wealth in the world is unable to quench this loneliness. Yet so many family relations are made sour by material issues, I have seen it happen within my own family. But family addresses an emptiness in every individual that we cannot fill alone.

I really enjoyed the time with my cousins and I decided to just "go with the flow"; let my cousins take the lead. After all, I just wanted to spend time with them, it didn't matter how. Night as it turns out was the most "active" time of day. Sunday night (11/12/2011) saw the four of us ( 2 cousin bros, my cousin sis and I) go clubbing in North Goa. They drank, I remained sober as usual; I guess I may come across as judgmental in such situations - but I'm really not, I was just glad to be there with them and to be honest throughout this trip I was hoping that the alcohol would push them in to revealing their deeper thoughts and beliefs. My cousins seem to be quite protective of their deeper selves, and I am not one who believes in trying to pry it out. There is a certain level of comfort a person needs to feel before he/she starts to reveal what really means a lot to him/her, what is often thought about, and the principles by which he/she lives. I don't think we got to that level, although the conversation did deepen for a period that Sunday night when my cousin sister began to question my abstinence to alcohol and why I tried to maintain a certain level of self discipline in my life. My reply was that I had some "strange notions" - not terribly revealing I know, but what is my answer ? I don't really know anymore. In the past, it might have been because I felt like I was destined to do something "great" - that the world would need me, but so much has changed now and perhaps I do it to convince myself that I am true and sincere in my mission to help people ( somehow !).

A cousin bro joined us on Monday, again I was very happy to see him. There were now 5 of us, and we hung out together on Tuesday night. We broke through our curfew in style when we went out to a swanky club on top of a hill, Club Cubana; let me describe it succinctly; play boy mansion - pretty amazing place. But before that and the jungle jeep ride to it, we hung out at a shack by the beach and witnessed a truly unique hippie trance beach party ! A night to remember, and one that made it all the more sad to bid my cousin bro and sis farewell on Wednesday. Once again we met for a short episode in the saga of our lives. Sometimes I wish the tape would just get stuck on one of these episodes.