Motivation is arguably the greatest gift that a human being can have. It gives our lives purpose, direction, it is the driving force behind virtues such as will power, perseverance and hard work and in short, it makes life worth living.
So you can see that motivation is a vital ingredient in the recipe for a healthy and happy life. But unfortunately it is an ingredient that has been missing in my life for quite a while now. Having said that motivation is missing in my life, the natural question to ask next is " how do I get my motivation back ? ". I start my quest for a solution by thinking about my past. There was a period of 3 -4 years starting from when I first got into secondary school, when I was at my motivated best ! What is it about that period that kept me so motivated ? And can I apply the same formula again ? The answer to this first question is not easy to pin point. I think it was the excitement of entering secondary school that drove me to work hard initially. Then I got lucky because my hard work payed off quickly and I tasted success for the first time, and from then on it was a kind of positive feedback that increased my motivation, one success led to another and my motivation kept increasing each time. For the first time in my life, I believed that I was capable of attaining success, then came my interest in Physics and that drove my motivation even higher. Come my second secondary school, same story, initial success and positive feedback. My motivation was at its peak ! So what happened ? Everything was going so well, why do I find myself unmotivated now ?
Now comes the last year of secondary school. Everyone expects a lot from me. There they say as they point at me, is a truly motivated individual. For the first time in my life, I experienced 'performance pressure'. Suddenly my work was no longer about me, but about pleasing others, about meeting their expectations. That year saw my first decline in motivation, a slow steady decline at first, hardly noticeable. At the same time, my interest in Physics suffered its first decline since its birth. Suddenly, I didnt do so well on some tests, my smooth pattern of sucess saw some rough patches. Still was unaware of any major problems. Then came the final exam, a disaster ! I have never been so stressed in my life as I was then. 'Panic attacks' during exams, forgetfulness, loss of confidence, everything ran amok ! Luckily, my results were fine ( largely buffed up by the results of the previous year) , and I got into the Univeristy of my choice.
"Phew !" I thought, "no damage done". But I was wrong, damage had been done. My confidence was damaged and remains damaged to this day. Last term I had some college exams, and they were a disaster, I havent had any initial sucess over here at University.
But over the last 6 months at University, a lot of other factors have developed. I now feel that my life is too 'scewed'. What I mean is, my study has become the one and only element of my life. It controls me, my mood depends on how well it is going. I need something else, I need an 'escape', another activity that I can fall back on. May be then I can reduce this performance pressure I feel, and I work best when my mind is at ease. Last term I tried to enquire about other classes I could go to, may be some other Physics classes, so that my Engineering work would not be my only measure of sucess in life. However, I was dissapointed to fnd out that there was nothing. I have often talked about forming a science group consisting of individuals genuinly interested in science and who are willing to think and really understand the world. I thought may be such a group activity may help me not only expose my ideas but also give my life some variety and decentralise it from its focus on my engineering study. However, so far I havent managed to get any such group going. I am not a great leader or organiser, taking initaitve to start such things is not my greatest talent. Mind you, I have often dreamt about being a great leader, but like so many things I have dreamt about, it hasn't quite got going as yet. So one thing seems certain, I need to find myself a rewarding pass-time or activity, so that I may stop gauging my life only in terms of my study ( that hasnt been going so well off late). In fact I believe that if I do find another 'thing' that is of importance in my life, it may even help ease my tension and help my study.
Another fairly new factor, again revolving around easing tension is this whole issue of friends. Friends help ease tension and make you feel like youre not alone and there are people to help. In that department I have made some progress, I have made some good friends. However, they always seem to be busy ! I'd be a hypocrite to blame them though ! I'm the one whose hardly ever available, always some excuses on my mind ; work, work and oh and more work ! I really am not the most interesting of individuals. I'm a bit of a social phobe, but at the same time, I love meeting new people. A very strange combination, I think I'm just shy. Now I'm not sure how meeting new peope adds to my motivation. It is in all honesty, unexplored territory, I don't often meet new people or experience new things, a pity, because I am intensely curious and enjoy new things very much.
So you may have figured by now, that I am trying to be a bit more calm these days. I'm trying to explore ither arenas in my life, I am searching for an 'escape' , may be because I am exhausted, tired of trying harder and harder, may be I am scared, scared that another failure is coming my way and I'm trying to reduce its impact, or may be this is just what I need, something new to refresh my mind and spirit and get that motivation going again.
